Lazy Letter: My Parallel Universe
It’s hard to catch on from time to time. It’s happening all so fast, and to be honest, I’m way too distracted to keep track. Pretty sure I’m taking it all for granted, this stress has made me blind. Sometimes I forget life is basically all about these moments. Or perhaps I’m living too many of them at the same time.
I promised I’d write more, but sometimes I don’t really feel like holding a pen in hand, or putting down my thoughts on a piece of paper. What would I say anyway?! Write to you all about my complaints, what a busy life I have with nothing in the nothing land?!
Well, not on a daily basis, but I’m doing alright. The past couple weeks were rough, but I’m over it now. It feels like an exam, a test, a big question asked by the universe to make me realize where I am or what I’m doing. The kind of question that pulls back the shades in front of your eyes. The type of question that makes your mom worried and gives her a bad dream. I’m not sure if I passed this mystical test or not, but I know the curtains are drawn. I’ve passed another age. This world is new. Unfamiliar decisions and tricky choices to make. New discoveries, such as the little shake on my left hand when my blood pressure is low. This new world might be my parallel universe in a way. You see, I’m not supposed to be here now. I’m supposed to be traveling. Making art, or whatever that means! Reflecting experiences, as they say. But the question is that am I really making art? If I am, what am I reflecting?! Which path is it that I’m picking? Would it be simpler if I didn’t know much? If I wasn’t exposed to so many influences?! History and philosophy and politics at the same time. Geography and human rights on top of that! Or is it a common thing to feel worthless from time to time? Is my lack of contribution to the system makes it all so complicated? The fact that I’m not making money!
I met with an old friend the other day for tea and chat. In our brief meeting, we talked about our ordinary life, and I told him how everything is upside down. Not good or bad, only different. As I was telling him about my short trip to the south, I realized how tired I was. Frustrated by so many unfair incidents back to back. I must’ve pushed my limits this time. I wasn’t supposed to be here, this wasn’t a part of the plan. And now I get to see what it’s like when I’m not around. No happy thoughts shine when I put myself in all the wrong realities. Living here and there. The kind of life that I preferably call without a home. Floating along, destination unknown. He, the friend that I met with, reminded me of another fact. Letting go is a part of every matter. Departing is a must. A pile of shit stinks when you play around with it.
Life happens, and there are certain reasons that things take place the way they do. We just don’t know about the reasons. The moments pass by, it becomes more clear that it’s not all so pretty, modern, smart and fast and precise. You don’t see any traveler’s video stuck in the visa office. No video captures the hostility of the agent behind the glass as she reviews your traveling documents, and how angry she is for no apparent reason. No phones and cameras are allowed to the embassy anyway! Funny how I still can’t get that image out of my head, and what a monstrous bitch the agent was. How many times have I brought it up already?! Sorry!
Sep.17 – Ankara, Turkey